Monday, May 12, 2008

Early Season Oddities

Whistle, whistle! We don't have a whistle, but we'd like it if you paid attention now. We were reading this earlier todayfivesecondsago, and it reminded us of Wandy Rodriguez's baffling home/away splits from a season ago (95 ip, 2.94 home era; 87.2 ip, 6.37 road era), which have ensued this season, as W-Rod (we insist that every player with the Rodriguez surname needs a nickname ending in 'Rod'. Felix Hernandez's? PotentiallybetterK-Rod.) has gave up more earned runs in his lone road start than he has in his three home starts combined.

So, what else in the early season has been bizarre? Well, our sister's boyfriend did ask our sister if we were balding today. But that's not so bizarre, since we probably are. It just kind of sucks.

We want to focus on baseball, though, and what's been surprising us. Here it goes:

Barry Zito, San Francisco Giants:

At first we misspelled 'Francisco', so there's an oddity. Also, Barry Zito is like the highest paid surfer ever, and he's already been to the bullpen and back this season. Or has he? He didn't actually get any pen appearances, but whatever. We remember once when Barry Zito played some Dave Matthews Band songs during a rain delay, and that was kinda odd, because aren't ballplayers always all just patting each other on the ass and wincing while they adjust some part of their body, or is that just A-Rod? Also, A-Rod tends to play with his phlegm on the tip of his tongue.

We know a story about A-Rod which you'll like to hear, we think. It could be true, so believe it. The Yankees were playing a series on the road, and one night, A-Rod was hanging out at a hotel bar when he spotted a girl he liked. They got to flirting and Rodskis took her back to his room. Well, before they could get to making the A-Rod happy collectively, A-Rod let Sportscenter do the foreplay. Yes, he turned on the night's Sportscenter and awaited the Yankees highlights. Well, earlier that day, Derek Jeter and 'Rod had hit back-to-back homers. A-Rod brought his face in front of the TV, and, watching Jeter's clip, muttered, "Do it Jete! DO IT!" When it was his turn to go yard, "Do it Rod! DO IT!"

The highlight ends. A-Rod turns back to the girl and quickly fires out, "OK, here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna jerk off in your face and then you're gonna leave." And, it so happens, A-Rod got his wish. No word on whether or not the 'girl' was, in fact, Scott Boras.

We also remember when the Yankees lit Barry Zito up for like seven runs in less than an inning (we think) of work on Opening Day like four years ago. He also won a Cy Young and his fastball probably never topped 90. We're surprised at all of this.

Andruw Jones, Los Angeles Dodgers:

We remember this Mad TV skit once where Oprah kept getting bigger every time the camera returned to her, and this is in itself an important oddity, since we don't remember ever really watching Mad TV. Anyway, he's a really fat baseball player, so it's funny that he plays centerfield. It's like he's the overrated version of Torii Hunter, only Torii Hunter is also the overrated version of Torii Hunter. Today he said he was embarrassed by his early-season performance, which is odd because he's 6'1, 240 pounds, isn't Prince Fielder, and hit like .222 last year.

Julian Tavarez, Nobody:

The Red Sox designated him for assignment today. We always remember when he dropped the "I like fat girls" revelation on a pool of reporters for no particular reason other than to point out that he likes fat girls. Dwayne Wade likes skinny girls who used to be fat, like Star Jones, which is interesting because she's definitely an alien or just really annoying.

Rick Ankiel, St. Louis Cardinals

Rick's got seven jacks on the season, so we'd like to give a shout out to rick. HiGH, Rick.

LeBron to Ben Wallace for the jump hook. Front rims it, but maybe next time?

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